By Dr. Brooklyn Raney, Founder of One Trusted Adult
After visiting more than 20 schools in the past couple of months, I expected to hear the usual pressing concerns: staffing shortages, funding cuts, student engagement. What I didn’t expect was how often three small things came up—phone numbers, names, and cupcakes.
At first glance, these might seem trivial. Yet each one points to the same underlying theme: boundaries—both the personal boundaries that shape relationships and the organizational boundaries that protect and sustain them. The ability to build trusted relationships with students—for the sake of their academic growth and healthy development—depends on clear, professional boundaries. When those boundaries blur, students are left confused, educators are left vulnerable and exhausted, and schools are left exposed.
For leaders, the challenge is to ensure that these “small” choices—around things like phone numbers, names, and cupcakes—are addressed openly and consistently, because they hold weight far beyond what they appear.
Technology and Communication: Don’t Be Tempted to Play the Telephone Game
Nothing has blurred the expectations around professional accessibility in all industries more than technology – and education is not immune. Today’s students interact with peers through phones at a rapid and constant pace and increasingly expect the same immediacy in communication from the adults in their lives.
Texting with students, or responding to 10pm emails, are not trends schools can afford to normalize. Leaders must set and reinforce clear guidelines that protect staff and students alike. Every educator should know their state laws and their school’s policies on digital communication, and leaders must ensure those expectations are well communicated and enforced. Many schools have wisely adopted sanctioned communication platforms—whether email, learning management systems, or notification apps—that create a record of exchanges and provide a layer of accountability. Professional communication requires professional tools. Giving away personal phone numbers or defaulting to casual texting shortcuts the system, removes important protections, and creates the risk of misinterpretation or abuse. Educators should want their communication with students and families to be documented for their own protection.
Social media adds an additional layer of risk. Friending or following students blurs the line between professional and personal roles, exposes teachers’ private lives in ways that may not align with school values, and can quickly create perceptions of favoritism. Even something as small as liking—or ignoring—a post can spark comparisons and accusations among students. More importantly, this level of visibility extends an adult’s mandated reporting responsibility far beyond the end of the school day, placing an unsustainable burden on teachers. School leaders must be unambiguous: understanding how young people use social media is important, but supervising it is not their role. That responsibility belongs to families.
While many schools are moving toward no-phone policies from bell to bell, I encourage leaders to build on that momentum and revisit their policies and training around communication and boundaries after the last bell. Clear boundaries in this area make it possible for teachers to maintain professional relationships that support learning, while also protecting their own wellness and personal lives, and ensuring that students’ texting and online lives remain where they belong—under the guidance of their families.
What’s in a Name? More Than You Think
Another recurring theme I heard was how students address adults. Some schools have shifted toward first-name or nickname culture in an attempt to flatten hierarchies and foster connection. Others hold firmly to titles, emphasizing respect and indication of levels of authority and responsibility. My concern is not which approach is better, but whether the approach is consistent and implemented by all.
When one teacher goes by “Mr. Walters” and another insists on “Tim,” students immediately register the difference. They don’t simply notice it—they compare. These contrasts become data points in how students interpret approachability, authority, and leniency. Over time, such inconsistencies can distort their understanding of what it means for an adult to be trustworthy. When an educator chooses to bend a rule or disregard a shared expectation, such as using a formal salutation, it can signal that likability is being prioritized over trustworthiness.
Leaders play a crucial role here. A schoolwide decision about naming conventions ensures that no adult is left to enforce their preference in isolation. Just as importantly, those who have earned terminal degrees deserve the acknowledgment of their title. Consistency protects relationships and strengthens a culture of respect across institutions. Boundary work is teamwork, and must be committed to together, even with something as seemingly simple as names.
Cupcakes: The Hidden Competition
And then, there are cupcakes.
Over and over again, I heard stories from teachers about the pressure to stock snack drawers, bake for birthdays, or provide elaborate treats for their students. What often begins as a small act of kindness quickly spirals into invisible competition: who does more, who goes “above and beyond.” Teachers burn themselves out (and drain their personal bank accounts) in ways that are unsustainable, and students begin to expect the extras as part of every relationship with adults.
What students need most is not cupcakes but consistency, care, and connection. Leaders must be proactive in naming this dynamic and creating policies or cultural norms that protect teachers from unsustainable expectations. If one teacher chooses to bring in baked goods, that should remain a personal choice, not a silent standard everyone else feels compelled to match. By leading open conversations about where to draw these lines, leaders empower teachers to invest their energy in meaningful, professional ways—without late-night baking sessions.
As one teacher put it, “I show up for youth in many ways, but one of those ways is not as a caterer. My investment in their academic development requires my time to be focused in other areas.” When leaders normalize this perspective—by discussing practices with their teams and prioritizing staff wellness—they strengthen the relationships that matter most.
Boundaries Build Trust
Across the schools I visited, the specifics varied, but the theme was the same: boundaries make trust possible. They keep relationships between adults and young people from becoming confusing, uneven, or unsustainable. Boundaries shift the focus from working to be liked to working to earn trust, creating the reliable connections that allow students to take risks, grow academically, and feel genuinely supported.
Phone numbers, names, cupcakes—these may sound like small things, but they point to a larger truth: even small actions communicate something about the boundaries of our roles and relationships. In all situations and before decisions are made, a simple gut check helps: Am I setting the next teacher, coach, or advisor in this child’s life up for success? If the answer is yes, our practices are sustainable, collective, and student-centered. If the answer is no, we risk building relationships that serve us more than they serve students.
Educators want and need support from their leaders in building and maintaining these boundaries. The responsibility of leadership is to set expectations, provide a model, normalize the conversations, and protect the people who live them out. Phone numbers, names, cupcakes—small choices with lasting cultural consequences. When leaders treat these moments as opportunities to define and defend healthy boundaries, they give permission for professionalism to coexist with compassion.
Ready to build a community based on boundaries that support both staff and students?
Book a FREE demo call with an OTA Trainer to see how One Trusted Adult resources can support your organization starting now. Click here to inquire.
Brooklyn Raney is a Researcher, Writer, Keynote Speaker, Mentor, and Author of One Trusted Adult: How to Build Strong Connections and Healthy Boundaries with Young People.
Reach helps schools maintain these healthy boundaries by centralizing communication, ensuring documentation for staff protection, and outlining clear approval and permissions workflows. From controlled visibility settings to standardized staff-student messaging, Reach empowers leaders to uphold the professionalism Dr. Raney advocates — while ensuring every interaction truly supports student well-being.
Centralized, professional communication — no personal phone numbers needed
Reach gives schools a sanctioned, school-owned channel for communication between staff and students.
This means educators never need to use personal devices, personal accounts, or personal phone numbers to stay connected.
Everything stays professional, documented, and within school-approved systems.
